Gareth's Love Pavilion

It's Been A Long Time...

2004-10-25T09:37:00.000+10:00

Hello!

You know, we never did finish Extreme Madonna Appreciation Mania...

So - let's review Music!

Or, you know, not.

Sigh, it's good to be back though.

Standing To Attention:

2004-07-30T19:12:00.000+10:00

I lost my erection for a while back there - all of this Madonna appreciation has been a bit too extreme for my entirely vanilla tastes - but now that Fly Girl C and her pal, WOMP, have gotten Madonna's 'What was she thinking?'-era over and done with, we can get into the groove and start officially reviewing the holy trinity of Madonna albums...

Ray Of Light - The Official Review:

Ray Of Light, of course, isn't the holiest of the albums in the holy trinity in that it's not nearly as good as Music or American Life, but it is very holy, both in quality and in content.

Everybody knows that the title track is amongst Madonna's greatest hits, but what most people don't know is that 'Drowned World/Substitute For Love' is actually better than 'Ray Of Light' - even if it is Madonna being worldly and angsty, she does it very well, and the middle eight where it all goes a bit spaztastic is incredible.

'Candy Perfume Girl' is, and has been for a while, my favourite song on the album - there's something delightfully perverse about Our Glorious Leader opening a song with, 'Young velvet porcelain boy/Debour me', and, again, the spaztastic middle eight - 'Did! I! Lie! To! You!' - is fantastic.

It sags a bit in the middle, which is where it's flawed - with the exception of 'Nothing Really Matters' and the sheer shit show of 'Shanti Shinga' or whatever it's called, everything starts to sound a bit samey. But 'Frozen' and 'The Power Of Goodbye' are some of the most beautiful songs Madonna has ever produced, 'Little Star' is adorable, and 'Mer Girl' is, erm, certainly interesting.

As an era Ray Of Light heralded a cringe-worthy, embarassing Madonna, noncing about in geisha outfits, pretending she was of an ethnic minority and generally making a bit of a dick of herself. But, to be fair, everybody was noncing about in geisha outfits, pretending to be of an ethnic minority and generally making dicks of themselves in 1998 - even Spice Girls gave 'Spice Up Your Life' a jaunty Asian vibe when they performed it in India for Top of the Pops - and, even when she's making a dick of herself, Madonna is dedicated.

HiT Me Baby One More Time

2004-07-29T19:27:00.000+10:00

Well...Ben Affleck was on the cover...strangely.

And that's really all there was of note. Except for a funny Human Nature review, as well.

Meanwhile, I've had a lot of responses to the ad...we'll have to sort through them and start interviewing candidates.

Stu's Replacement

2004-07-29T00:31:00.000+10:00

Look, I've just placed an ad in the paper. It's probably the easist way.

Hopefully we'll get some good applicants, and the interviewing process can begin. Stay tuned, because I think this is going to be a long one...

Double The Greatest Compilation Album Ever

2004-07-28T11:34:00.000+10:00

Crystal's off busy finding Stu's replacement, but I'm sure if she was here she'd give this album 5 dogs. Personally, WOMP gives it 3. The thing is, I've gone a bit off ballads ever since Delta Goodrem killed me and sent me to heaven.

We've never really talked about my musical tastes much, but my favourite genre is house. I also like Warren G, and Sophie Ellis-Bextor.

(PS. WOMP is back -- BIG TIME!)

Stu's Replacement

2004-07-28T10:43:00.000+10:00

Ever since Stu resigned almost two months ago, we have not heard a word from him around these parts. I'm afraid all our contract negotiations fell through, and Stu says he has quit for good.

So we're going to need a replacement. We still want a Neighbours character, and we still want a crime angle.

And whereas Stu likes to fight crime, Darcy likes to create it:

It's been great having Darcy back on the show. He's always been one of the few characters I've genuinely liked, and he also appears to have gone a shade of ginger. I'm not sure how...or why. Are the inmates at Erinsborough Prison allowed to have visits from Lyn or something? Those are definitely some highlights he's received.

The bad thing is, once Lou inevitably gets out, we will stop seeing Darcy. Because I'm sure they are not going to free him at the same time.

But, we are considering him for Stu's replacement. It's still not final, and we might have a look at some other candidates over the coming days, but he is a front-runner.

Madonna's Albums Chronologically Reviewed Part Eight: Bedtime Stories

2004-07-26T10:01:00.000+10:00

Now, I know I said everything Madonna did in the 90's was tops as, but...Bedtime Stories does try to break that rule.

The problem is...half the songs on it are 5 dogs, and the other half are 1 dogs. Actually, as there are 11 songs, it must be split more like 5 - 6.

Anyway, let's have a look at what songs fall into which category.

5 Dogs:

- Survival
- Secret
- Human Nature
- Love Tried To Welcome Me
- Santuary
- Take A Bow

1 Dog:

- I'd Rather Be Your Lover
- Don't Stop
- Inside Of Me
- Forbidden Love
- Bedtime Story

The first six really are brilliant, and the last 5 really are shit.

OFFICIAL Official Rain Review

2004-07-26T09:27:00.000+10:00

Boy, it sure took me a while to get back to this.

I had to have a serious think though, and also dig out my Rain single.

Rain was, if you remember, the first song in Madonna's back catalogue, and also in history, to recieve 6 Dogs.

First of all, let's look at one of Fly Guy M's 'criticisms' of Erotica though:

'the production is so dated'

Actually, I AGREE on that point, except for 'Rain'. The production on Rain is beautiful and sounds just as bonza today as it did 12 years ago.

Rain Single, Track-By-Track Review

1. Rain - Radio Remix
This is quite nice, but it looses the greatness of the album version. It's too...thin? I don't know, it's a bit off, anyway.

2. Waiting - Remix

3. Up Down Suite
One of Madonna's rare b-sides...And terribly awful. It's 12 minutes of...random sayings of 'Up, up, up, down' over dance music.

4. Rain - Album Version

Finally, the masterpiece.

Reasons Rain is particularily bonza:

- The verses. Are they spoken, or are they sung? The answer is - you can't tell, and that is the genius of it.

- 'Raiiiiiin' - brilliant.

- BUT, there actually IS a spoken word interlude...'waiting is the hardest thing...' The best part of it, is that she is saying TWO things, over the top of each other

- At one stage, an aeroplane takes off.

Oh, and right at the end, you can hear the 'rain'. Now if that's not worth:

I don't know what is.

The film clip is awesome too:

Bring Back Leo

2004-07-24T14:22:00.000+10:00

(Don't worry, EMAM is resuming shortly)

Last night Neighbour's episode was titled 'Shazza 4EVA, and one of the main plots revolved around Stingray having his pet guina pig's name tattooed on his arse. It was possibly an all-time low. My Lord it has been shit lately. I am quite enjoying the Stu/Oliva/Mac/Jack storyline, because it looks like it's going somewhere interesting and involves Stu, but that's about it.

I'd tell you what storyline the need to resurrect, but I think it's pretty obvious....

Interlude - The Popjustice £20 Music Prize:

2004-07-23T21:44:00.000+10:00

I thought I'd better comment on this, before we got onto reviewing the holy trinity of Madonna albums and I forgot it was happening.

This years shortlist can be broken into two categories - 'Good' and 'What Were They Thinking? That's Shit!'. Standby for some controversial opinions - if anybody is thinking about turning up on the judging panel, you might want to start sharpening your pitchfork now.

Good:

Emma Bunton, 'Maybe' - I'd usually jump at the chance of championing my newly-appointed favourite-former-Spice Girl-who-still-acknowledges-she-was-a-Spice Girl and scream down to the capital amidst a cloud of Emma Bunton propoganda, but my loyalties are torn between my two favourite artists on the 19 roster, Emma and Rachel Stevens. What's a boy to do?

Busted, 'Crashed The Wedding' - 'Where's 'Who's David'?', I hear you cry. That's what I was thinking. 'Who's David' is heaps better than this. But it's Busted, and I'm loyal, so I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and assumed they only shortlisted the shittest song Busted have released this year because they want to fix it so Girls Aloud or Rachel Stevens wins.

Girls Aloud, 'The Show' - I'm back to liking it again, so it stays, and it'll probably win. But, good as it is, it won't be getting my vote.

McFly, 'Five Colours In Her Hair' - Ordinarily you'd hear me cry, 'Let's hear it for the boys!', but when the boys are up against a former Spice Girl and Rachel Stevens' greatest hits, I'm afraid they're going to have to take a backseat. Sorry, Danny. I'll make it up to you eventually...

Rachel Stevens, 'Some Girls' - Rachel Stevens - void as she is of any personality - is the perfect vehicle for Richard X's robopop, and if this were her only entry I'd want it to win. But it's not. So I don't.

Rachel Stevens, 'Sweet Dreams My LA Ex' - 'Baby that tongue ain't wel-come uh-round here'. I think we have a winner...

Limbo:

Will Young, 'Leave Right Now' - I can't decide whether I like this or not. I know that Jessica will be championing it, and Crystal will tell me that I like it, and that I once sat in the back of a taxi wishing I'd written it. But I don't. It's a little bit weak.

What Were They Thinking? That's Shit!:

Jamelia, 'Superstar' - I quite like Jamelia, but I still think she's a bit shit, so we'll file this under Popstars I Don't Get and we'll leave it at that.

Javine, 'Surrender' - It's going to take more than a few trumpets and a natty haircut for you to become the UK's answer to Beyonce, Ms. Hilton.

Keane, 'Somewhere Only We Know' - What were they thinking? It's not that Keane don't make pop music. It's that Keane don't make good music. 'Somewhere Only We Know' is rubbish!

Shaznay Lewis, 'Never Felt Like This Before' - More disappointing than anything - Shaznay was All Saints, and, when they weren't berating the Spice Girls and thinking they were the most important musical movement since The Beatles, All Saints were quite good. So it was a shame that she would come back after such a longtime with this, the Mel B album-filler that never was.

Sugababes, 'Hole In The Head' - Controversial! It's just noise. Not even
attractively-packaged noise. Just noise.

See you in September...

The Problem With Erotica - The Official Review:

2004-07-21T21:51:00.000+10:00

The problem with Erotica is that it has the makings of a classic Madonna album, but it's just shit. It's so poorly realised, and the production is so dated - it sounds a lot older than it is, no doubt a result of Shep Pettibone's production.

I really don't like the music Madonna with this man.

'Rescue Me', 'Erotica', 'Bad Girl', 'Thief Of Hearts' - they're all fantastic songs, ruined by the fact that listening to them makes your head hurt, and your ears bleed.

It's not all bad news, though - I still think 'Secret Garden' and the SEX Book remix of 'Erotica' ('I'm not a witch/I'm a love technician') are amongst her best work, and the artwork one the Erotica album is really good.

I like 1992 as an era for Madonna - the SEX Book is a fine peice of work, and her persona at the time was fantastic - it's just a shame that she was putting out such shit music, because Madonna, however stupid she gets, always puts out good music.

Roll on Something To Remember - pointless as it was, it signals Madonna's return to form, and the second best cover version of her career...

Actually, 'Bedtime Stories' is next...

But Bedtime Stories has only got three good songs on it... - Michael.

Madonna's Albums Chronologically Reviewed Part Seven: Erotica

2004-07-21T17:20:00.000+10:00

Erotica is so good it's taken us two days to prepare the review.

Think I'm joking? Well, yeah it didn't take two days, but Erotica IS that good. It is one of only 5 TRUE Five Dog Albums ever.

The thing is, both of us have already done track-by-track reviews of Erotica.

First of all, there was Michael's - which was completely, 100% wrong.

Then there was mine - done in a post I rather fantastically titled 'Extreme Erotica Appreciation', a whole entire 14 months before it's time. Now, while my review was completely correct at the time, I will now go through the album and bring it up to date, and add some dogs.

1. Erotica
CLASS all the way.

2. Fever
Look, this song is the ONE complaint I have about the whole album. It would be so much better if it just wasn't here. But anyway, we have to deal with it.

3. Bye Bye Baby
'I know I love you, because I hate you'. That line is a little bit how I feel about this song. It's on one hand terrible, and on the other brilliant.

4. Deeper And Deeper
One of my most absolute favourite Madonna songs ever. Not least because she references her own song by singing a bit of Vogue at the end.

5. Where Life Begins
All the verses are spoken!! That's enough for me.

6. Bad Girl
Comes with the Mel C seal of approval, which says a lot

(No, in all seriousness, Bad Girl is a classic)

7. Waiting
Probably just a bit too hip-hop and hardcore for me, but I still love it. Heaps more spoken parts here, and a rap bit.

8. Thief Of Hearts
A bit reminiscent of 'Rescue Me', in a way.

9. Words
I LOVE Words. And I am the Only.Person.On.The.Planet. Which I just can't understand...it's makes me question society.

10. Rain
Ok, this is a tough call...but I would probably say Rain is my favourite song on the album. The reasons Rain is one of the greatest songs ever are too many and varied to go into here, but I WILL honor it by giving it the world's first bonus Sixth Dog. Call me a fool, but I know I'm not ~~I'm gonna stand out here on the mountain top~~

In fact - Exclusive News: Rain will be receiving it's own special review shortly.

11. Why's It So Hard?
Not since the time she asked that OTHER question - Where's The Party? - has Madonna sung about 'challenging the system' so well.

12. In This Life
Ignore my old review of this, because I think I wrote that in the era I was a bit anti-ballad. And now I am very much pro.

13. Did You Do It?
Ok, I can get away with giving this Zero Dogs, because it's just a 'Waiting' remix, with rappers, and hardly any Madonna on it.

14. Secret Garden
Finishing off one the most bonza albums EVER, with...well, a bit of an average song really. But I still like it.

As you might know by now, I really can't give Erotica enough praise. It's one of the most underrated albums that has ever been made, and it is a work of genius.

Extremely Appropriate Use Of A Pete Murray Song In Neighbours

2004-07-19T19:30:00.000+10:00

Not since the time 'the clothes that you wear, and the colour in your hair, shouldn't change you' was played over a scene of Susan changing her clothes and hair, have the lyrics of Pete Murray and the action of Neighbours combined so well.

Tonight, as Lou lay in his jail cell, and Toadie tried to figure out a way to 'free' him, Pete's song 'Freedom' played. GENIUS.

It's also good to know that the Neighbours music crew own Pete's whole album, and not just the So Beautiful single.

EDIT: In fairness, Susan didn't so much change the clothes that she wears as buy lots of scarfs and twirl about in front of Lynne and Evil Lil.

Justifty My Love & Rescue Me

2004-07-19T17:22:00.000+10:00

If you were to ask me what were the top three most fantastic things a pop song could contain, I would answer that they were:

1. Referencing previous hits/Name checking themselves
2. A rap
3. Spoken word

In that order.

Now, Justify My Love and Rescue Me don't have the first two, but they both contain the last one. In fact, they are for the most part Spoken Word Songs. The spoken word to singing ratio of both is approximately as follows:

For Justify My Love 90:10
For Rescue Me: 70:30

Which actually makes Rescue Me better, because it's more balanced.

Actually, maybe it makes Justify My Love better...and, it probably is the more superior song.

Oh, what does it matter. They both get:

Immaculate Correction:

2004-07-19T01:41:00.000+10:00

'Crazy For You' and 'Open Your Heart' are in no way inferior to 'Gambler'.

'Act Of Contrition' - The Official Review:

2004-07-19T01:22:00.000+10:00

Since there is such a crushing demand for 'Act Of Contrition' reviews, I thought I'd drive around in a time machine like a one in a film I've seen and travel back to the eighties to please our adoring public.

0:08 - Nice rock and roll guitar bit there.
0:20 - Oh! Listen! It's the 'Like A Prayer' instrumentation! Only, played backwards! How witty.
0:24 - That drum beat is fucking ace, isn't it?
0:35 - Madonna is saying a prayer or something. 'Oh my God'. She sounds slightly embarassed by the whole affair.
0:58 - She's a bit bunged up, bless her.
1:14 - The tune! The tune is great.
1:49 - It all starts to sound a bit like a headache at this point.
2:14 - 'What do you mean it's not in the computer?!'. Fucking hell, that's scary!

Lessons I Have Learnt: Don't listen to 'Act Of Contrition' on your headphones. Not only is it a little bit painful, it's also fucking scary, especially when you forget about the bit at the end where she goes all Linda Blair on our collective ass. Jesus...

Editor's Note: I refuse to be known as a 'Keep It Together' hater, Fly Boy Z.

Michael

2004-07-18T22:47:00.000+10:00

Don't be afraid to use a heading. They're not going to hurt you.

I'm Breathless - The Official Review - Now with added heading!:

2004-07-18T20:26:00.000+10:00

Me and I’m Breathless have a love/hate relationship. Sometimes I love it, and think it’s quite frankly the best album I’ve ever heard. Sometimes I hate it, and think, ‘God, this must be amongst the top five shittest things Madonna has ever done’ (more on that story later).

Yesterday, I listened to it and thought it was shit, so I didn’t bother reviewing it, because my review wouldn’t have been extremely appreciative.

But, today, I love it. Or, at least, like it. A bit. So, on with the show…

1. He’s A Man - I don’t think I’d ever listened to this song all the way through before until today. This is because I love ‘Sooner Or Later’, and usually skip past this to get to it. I’m not entirely sure why, because I quite like it. Oh, well.

2. Sooner Or Later - ‘Baby it‘s time that you faced it I always get my man‘. Madonna, singing about being a bit of a whore, with a jaunty swing band vibe: beyond bonza.

3. Hanky Panky - Why does this exist? My bottom hurts just thinking about it.

4. I’m Going Bananas - And this, why does this exist? Still, it’s better than ‘Hanky Panky’.

5. Cry Baby - I like this song, more than I probably should. It’s all in the delivery. Baby-voiced New Yawker Madonna is one of my favourite Madonnas.

6. Something To Remember - It’s nice, but it certainly wouldn’t make my top ten Madonna ballads of all time.

7. Back In Business - There’s a reason why I’ve never listened to this.

8. More - ‘Any number is fine with me - as long as it’s more!’. My anthem.

9. What Can You Lose? - What was she thinking?

10 - 11. Now I’m Following You - This is a lot better than it has any right to be, especially Part Two.

12. Vogue - Controversial opinions ahoy! If it hadn’t been for the nice slice of white rap sandwiched in the middle, I’d fucking hate ‘Vogue’. It’s shit!

An Immaculate Investigation

2004-07-18T13:54:00.000+10:00

First of all, where was the Offical I'm Breathless review? Not that I'm complaining, my views can remain undisputed fact now.

Anyway, on to the Immaculate Collection. I have mixed feelings about this 'collection' of songs...perhaps it's time to list what is right, and what is wrong about it.

In fact, yes, it is time...

Bad Edits of songs:

- Holiday
- Lucky Star
- Borderline

I'm not really fussed about Holiday either way actually, but the edits of Lucky Star and Borderline are too short here and cut out some of the best bits 'Whatcha do to me ba-ab-by...' etc.

Bad DIS-Inclusion of songs

Where the hell are:

- Burning Up
- Causing A Commotion
- Gambler?

I almost can't forgive Madonna, for not including those songs.

Bad Inclusion Of Songs

Because, I mean, you leave off the above songs, but include:

- Crazy For You
- Open Your Heart
- Cherish?

Those are clearly inferior.

GOOD Non-inclusion of a song:

I'm certainly not missing True Blue, I'll tell ya that much.

GOOD remixes:

- Like A Prayer
- Express Yourself

I do respect those two remixes very much.

And then...we get to the two new songs:

- Justify My Love
- Rescue Me

Both those songs are so good they are going to need a post of their own. Therefore, this is 'to be continued'...

Madonna's Albums Chronologically Reviewed Part Six: I'm Breathless

2004-07-17T16:19:00.000+10:00

PERFECTION STARTS HERE. There are few things in this world I like better than I'm Breathless. Two of those things include the Evita soundtrack and Erotica, but we'll get to those later on in the week.

1. He's A Man
'Waging a war between good and evil can be a bore'
The best Bond theme that was never used as one. But worry not, because it didn't go to waste in Dick Tracy. Because, you know, the movie and soundtrack were both big hits.

2. Sooner Or Later
'Baby it's time that you faced it I always get my man'
Laying it down with an old school jazz groove. Brilliant.

3. Hanky Panky
'I don't want you to thank me, you can just...spank me'
A MASTERPIECE.

4. I'm Going Bananas
'I'm going bananas'
Unfortunately, I have to give this the title of Worst Madonna Song Ever. I can't even enjoy it for it's comedy value. Because I can't really find any.
[No Dogs]

5. Cry Baby
'If I turn out like him I think I'm gonna...cry, baby'
I think I like this more than it deserves me to. It's pretty bad really...but, heck, I think it's pretty hilarious.

6. Something To Remember
'I had all my bets laid out on you, set your stakes too high your bound to lose'
A very nice ballad, which went on to become the title of the best thing Madonna's ever done. But we're not up to that yet.

7. Back In Business
'When I want something done, I say it with a gun'
ANOTHER MASTERPIECE.

8. More
'Each possession you possess, helps your spirit to soar'
Hello show tunes. ANOTHER masterpiece?

9. What Can You Lose
'Why keep concealing, everything you're feeling'
Is this with Warren Beatty? I don't even know. It's a bonza enough ballad though, I guess.

10. Now I'm Following You (Part 1)
'Let's dance, you can do a little 2-step'
Is this with Warren Beatty? I don't even know. I guess it's OK, but I do ten to skip it.

11. Now I'm Following You (Part 2)
'What about, Dick Tracy?'
Is this with Warren Beatty? I still don't know. This is just a modern remix of part one, with some...philosophical quotes mixed in. Weird.

12. Vogue
'It's called a dance floor, and here's what it's for.'
Yes, this does fit in perfectly with the rest of the album and wasn't just tacked on the end at all. Another masterpiece though.

I'm Breathless Rating:

Wrapping Up The Eighties - Part Two:

2004-07-17T09:35:00.000+10:00

'Crazy For You'- well, looks like we won't have to shut down after all, because we definately disagree on this, because it is, for the time being at least, one of my top ten favourite Madonna songs (subject to change). How could anybody not like it? It's ace!

'Into The Groove' - 'C'mon, I'm waitin'!' is the best spoken word intro to a song ever recorded. I'll be completely predictable and announce that I think 'Into The Groove' is beyond bonza, but did you ever doubt that I would...?

'Gambler' - 'Gambler' is rubbish.

And to round it all off...

The Official Top Ten Madonna Songs Of The Eighties:

(This is the bit where I trawl through everything I've posted in the last few days, and remind myself of my own opinion).
1. 'Crazy For You'.
2. 'Borderline'.
3. 'White Heat'.
4. 'Into The Groove'.
5. 'Causing A Commotion'.
6. 'Who's That Girl?'.
7. 'Dear Jesse'.
8. 'Where's The Party?'.
9. 'The Look Of Love'.
10. 'I Know It'.

See you in the nineties...

A Warning

2004-07-17T00:37:00.000+10:00

~~Jesus Christ~~ Noel Gallagher, we've made a lot of Madonna posts today. Extreme Madonna Appreciation Mania has been an understatement.

I just wanted to say though, that now we have entered the 90s, you are going to be seeing this a lot:

Because whereas I find Madonna's 80s stuff a bit hit and miss, there is very little of her 90s work I dislike. Practically everything will be getting 4 or 5 dogs. The 90s was all about spoken word, show tunes, a WHOLE album of ballads, Vanilla Ice, being street, and then being adult contemporary. There's not one bit of that I don't approve of.

Wrapping Up The 80s

2004-07-17T00:05:00.000+10:00

Well, we were living in the 80s, but now we're heading for the 90s, ~~living in the Wild Wild West~~.

Even though we've reviewed Madonna, Like A Virgin, True Blue, Who's That Girl, You Can Dance and Like A Prayer there's STILL 3 non-album singles we haven't covered.

So, let's kick it....

Crazy For You:
I don't really like it.

Into The Groove
Brilliant, excellent...in short, Bonza.

The Gambler
See above.

YAY!!!!!! That's it for the 80s!!

But, before we start laying it down with a 90s groove....

Top 10 80s Madonna Songs:

1. Burning Up
2. Into The Groove
3. The Gambler
4. White Heat
5. Like A Prayer
6. Papa Don't Preach
7. Lucky Star
8. Till Death Do Us Part
9. Causing A Commotion
10. Spotlight

The end!

We're In An Awful Mess, And I Don't Mean Maybe

2004-07-16T23:24:00.000+10:00

I would like to re-assess my opinion on Papa Don't Preach. I'm going to upgrade it's status from Bonza to Extra-Bonza. And state that it is in fact better than Kelly Osbourne's version.

'But my friends keep telling to me to give it up!
Saying I'm too young, I oughta live it up'

Most dramatic 'bit' of a Madonna song ever? Perhaps, actually, we need a Top 10 List on this matter.

***************************

Meanwhile, after a short period of being quite strange, Blogger now has fancy buttons which let you do this to the text QUITE easily.

Life Is A Mystery...

2004-07-16T22:36:00.000+10:00

God? Did we just almost agree on a whole entire album...?

I think we have to shut down.

Like A Prayer - The Official Review - Track-by-track!:

2004-07-16T20:45:00.000+10:00

1. Like A Prayer - I'll agree with Fly Girl C on the 'God?' version being far superior, but I've always thought 'Like A Prayer' was a bit shit. Nice use of a door slamming in the intro, though.

2. Express Yourself - Any song that starts with the exclamation 'Come on, girls!' is going to go down a treat here at Michael Albarn-Bush Towers but, again, The Immaculate Collection version is heaps better. I've never been a big fan of the synthesised trumpet...

3. Love Song - Controversial opinion here, and I know I shouldn't, but I have an irrational love affair with 'Love Song'. It's not just because it's Prince and Madonna, either, although that certainly helps. It's so much sexier than it has any right to be.

4. Till Death Do Us Part - 'Till Death To Us Part' is just strange. A song about an abusive relationship really shouldn't sound like that.

5. Promise To Try - One of very few Madonna songs that makes me cry for genuine emotional reasons.

6. Cherish - Apparently Geri is releasing a cover of 'Cherish' at the end of the summer. That would be shit. Not because 'Cherish' is shit, but because 'Cherish' isn't very good. I don't love it. I don't hate it. It's just frippery. And it's quite nice. The video is good, as well.

7.Dear Jessie - I know I shouldn't, but I really like 'Dear Jessie'. I think it says something about me when my favourite song on what is often held as Madonna's second most serious album features the lyric 'If the land of make believe is inside your heart it will never leave' and 'Where the mermaids sing as they comb their hair'. But there you go. The pomp-pomp bit 2 minutes five seconds in is ace as.

8. Oh Father - It's odd that I should like such a serious song from Madonna's religious period, but I do.

9. Keep It Together - 'One, two, three, hit it!'; 'Keep-keep it together!'; 'Blood is thicker than any other circumstance!'; what's not to love?! The Blonde Ambition version is ace, as well.

10. Pray For Spanish Eyes - I went through a period where I thought this was the greatest song in the world, and listened to it every day, but I can't even remember the tune, now, or any of the lyrics, which suggests that it's actually a bit shit.

NOTE: Apologies, for not including a picture of the heaps bonza Like A Prayer cover art, but the new Blogger interface is shit, and I don't know how to work it.

Madonna's Albums Chronologically Reviewed Part Five: Like A Prayer

2004-07-16T17:25:00.000+10:00

As far as I'm concerned, this is when Madonna started getting good. Thank God that after this album we'll be done with 80's Madonna, because I really much much prefer the 90s. But that's tomorrow.

Like A Prayer - Reviewed Track-by-track With Dogs:

1. Like A Prayer: I prefer the Immaculate Collection 'God?' remix, but I know that's a pretty unpopular opinion amongst Madonna fans. I will have to give it half a dog less than I would give the 'God' version though.

2. Express Yourself: Ditto. Once again, the Immacualte Collection version is better. This version of Express Yourself is too...I don't know...funky? I know it shouldn't be possible for something to be too funky, but in this case it is. The dance version is way better.

3. Love Song (Featuring Prince): When Madonna and Prince got together, it really shouldn't have been the giant pile of crap this is.

4. Till Death Do Us Part: This is probably my favourite Madonna album track. Maybe equal with White Heat. This song is just bonza though...it's a really sad subject and lyrics, but set over the most jaunty music ever.

5. Promise To Try: SADDEST SONG EVER.

6. Cherish: Hmm...I'm way over this song. It sounds like it should have been on True Blue...it's too silly for this album.

7. Dear Jessie: Erm...speaking of too silly. The lyrics to this are a bit fairytale-esque and retarded, but I like them anyway. 'Pink elephants and lemonade...'

8. Oh Father: I love Oh Father, even though there are many haters of it. It's very dramatic and could have come from one of her later albums.

9. Keep It Together: Now, come on, this is just poxy. Z put it in his top twenty? NO WAY. It's a song about how dope her brothers and sisters are, for christs sake. And not in the 'street' sense, either. In the literal 'sibling' sense. Plus, it's not even a very good song.

10. Spanish Eyes: 25TH SADDEST SONG EVER

Album Rating:

Why Does Michael Hate You Can Dance?

2004-07-15T19:10:00.000+10:00

I would have thought that was obvious.

Firstly, with the exception of 'Spotlight', it is pointless, and a bit shit.

Secondly, it is a remix album, and remix albums are the stupidest things in the world, because nobody has ever, ever released a good remix album - very few people have gone so far as to release a good remix.

Let's consider the evidence:

All remix albums that I have owned - or have considered owning, at least - at certain points in time. All painfully, painfully shit.

I have never understood people who listen to remixes, people who listen to the kind of remixes that Madonna put out in her early days, because I have never understood people who would want to listen to nasty, drum machine-centric dance music outside the clubbing context.

There is one exception to the rule...

But we'll get to that later.

Madonna's Albums Chronologically Reviewed Part Four: Who's That Girl/You Can Dance

2004-07-15T14:38:00.000+10:00

Not much to review here, really. I know, for some reason, that Fly Boy M hates You Can Dance. Quite why, I have no idea. It's not that offensive is it? It's just a remix album, with one new track. And that new track just happens to be....

THE MOST INSPIRATIONAL SONG OF ALL TIME.

'Don't stand in the corner, waiting for the chance. Make your own music, start your own dance.'

See? Spotlight = inspiration.

As for Who's That Girl...now, I could understand you hating that. Apart from Causing A Commotion which also gets:

The others:

Who's That Girl

The Look Of Love

Can't Stop
- 3 dogs.

Cameron Adams - Dissecting His Every Word

2004-07-15T14:22:00.000+10:00

Well, Love Is Only A Feeling got 4 Stars. I totally guessed that. I underestimated Kylie though...4 and a HALF stars. WHATEVER, Cameron. You don't know what you're talking about.

Anyway, here they are:

CHOCOLATE: 'The first ballad Kylie has released as a single in 10 years, this manages to be both elegant and funky. Deceptively catchy, it may well be her classiest single yet.'
4.5

I did a great post on the issue of Cameron's blind Kylie devotion back in February, so I won't go over it again. But, it really is ridiculous.

Love Is Only A Feeling: 'You have a choice when it comes to rock balladry: anodyne Hoobastank or this wordy, majestic piece of rock art. And on medieval b-side Curse Of The Tullund Man (!), they actually become Spinal Tap.'
4

Incidentally, Deaf Bank have a song called Anodyne. It's quite good.

True Blue - The Official Review:

2004-07-14T22:14:00.000+10:00

Well, the cover is quite nice, I suppose.

(This is going to come back and bite me in the arse when it comes to compilying a list of my favourite Madonna songs, but I never listen to True Blue for anything other than 'White Heat'.)

Madonna's Albums Chronologically Reviewed Part Three: True Blue

2004-07-14T10:38:00.000+10:00

Well! That is the LAST time I ask Fly Boy M for a favor. I guess if you want something done properly you have to do it yourself.

True Blue, Baby I ~~Love~~ Like You:

1. Papa Don't Preach: Not as good as the Kelly Osbourne version, but what do you expect? Kelly sprinkles a little bit of magic over everything she does. Madonna's 'original' version comes a very close second though.

2. Open Your Heart: I admit I never cared much for this in the past. Or...even the present, actually. But I don't hate it anymore.

3. White Heat: Two words - Bonza As.

4. Live To Tell: I think Madonna once said that this was her favourite song of her own. And who can blame her? (Well..Fly Boy Z, actually). I don't know why our homeboy Z isn't down with this song...I love it. It's A Ballad, of course, so that could be it.

5. Where's The Party? 'Don't want to get old too fast, don't want to let the system get me down'. Great philosophy in this song...deserved a place on David Brent's wall, really.

6. True Blue HIDEOUS. The song, the video...everything that could go wrong, did. First of all, she looked like this:

And I for one can't listen to the song without picturing the film clip. My God...the dress...the eyebrows...the dance routine...
Let alone the shitty song.

7. La Isla Bonita: I don't think there's a single person in the would who doesn't think she sings 'Last night I dreamt of some bagels' and 'I fell in love with some bagels'. It's brilliant.

8. Jimmy Jimmy: I've heard a lot of people call this Madonna's worst ever song, but I quite like it. 'You've gotta lotta style, it'll take you far, take you further than my back yard'.

9. Love Makes The World Go Round: Excellent - political. That's what we like here at George & Damon's Political Arena. Lyrics example:

'Make love not war we say
It's easy to recite
But it don't mean a damn
Unless we're gonna fight
But not with guns and knives'

Confusing, but excellent.

Album Rating:

Important Announcement:

2004-07-14T01:32:00.000+10:00

This has fuck-all to do with Madonna, but Natasha Bedingfield's new single - who knew?

It's fucking ace!

If anybody would like to send Kate Bush an MP3, she'd be very grateful (she'd also be grateful if you could tell her how to download more than two minutes of a song using GMail - it gets right on her tits when it does that).

Request

2004-07-13T23:48:00.000+10:00

Michael, do a True Blue review. ~~I can't be bothered~~. It will be better than mine.

Something Not About Madonna

2004-07-13T15:01:00.000+10:00

Australian Idol is back on tonight! OMG OMG. It is going to be so fucking bonza.

I know what with Lulu Luvvers Unite, We Hate The Sleepover Club, The Liz, Alex & Gaz's Flat and this place I have more side projects than Dave Grohl, but if writing here is a little bit like drumming on the Tenacious D album, then our new Oz Idol Liz is a lot like my new heavy metal band. ie, hardcore as.

There's all us Fly Girls, plenty of Mark Holden worship, great animations and the Slam Duck. What more could you ask for?

*************************************

EMAM continues from this point on....

Like A Virgin - The Official Review:

2004-07-12T22:13:00.000+10:00

Yes, having Fly Boy M review Like A Virgin certainly was a good move in keeping up morale here at Fly Girl M's Exremely Appreciative Pavilion, because Fly Boy M fucking loves Like A Virgin, and currently considers it to be the best of Madonna's eighties albums (opinion subject to change).

Why? Because it's fucking great! It's only got one thoroughly shit song on it, the karaoke cover of 'Love Don't Live Here Anymore' which sounds like it was produced by Evelyn Glennie, and even by Madonna's standards those are pleasing odds.

Obviously, the undisputed best song on the album is 'Dress You Up', not least due to the truly bizarre performance she puts in one the Who's That Girl Tour video, but because it's ace, with a killer chorus and fantastic lyrics ('All your suits are custom-made in Lon-dern/But I've got something that you'll really like - ah!').

Like A Virgin has everything - feminist anthems ('Material Girl', 'Like A Virgin'), heart-rendering ballads ('Shoo-Bee-Doo') and self-help songs Stu would be proud of ('Over & Over') - making it one of Madonna's most eclectic albums to date.

Twenty million record buyers can't be wrong (they can, because they also bought Dido's album, but we'll ignore that and bask in the gloriously naff eighties pop masterpiece that is)...

Amazon Watch:

If you search 'Like A Virgin' on Amazon in need of a picture of the cover, you're given links to Emma's debut album and this useful tome.

Madonna's Albums Chronologically Reviewed Part Two: Like A Virgin

2004-07-12T16:48:00.000+10:00

Now this WILL cause controversy. Because while I consider it the worst Madonna album, Fly Boy M loves it...

Actually, maybe I should just leave the reviewing up to him, because I have nothing positive to say, and that might not be good for morale here at Extreme Madonna Appreciation Mania.

God Bless You, GMail:

2004-07-12T05:26:00.000+10:00

Thanks to the wonders of Kate Bush's GMail, mere hours after yesterday's appeal for an MP3 of Madonna's second greatest duet, this charming man (who - upon the evidence of this mix CD - may well have missed out on The Love Pavilion's golden hour) sent me not one but two versions of the song.

Dreadful chanting aside, the brilliantly-titled, Madonna-centric 'Mo Mo's In The House Mix' is not an entirely awful song.

Double The Lies:

2004-07-12T00:22:00.000+10:00

'Me Against The Music' is ace, and 'Everybody' is as far from being 'extremely dodgy' as can be (it's not, because that would mean it was 'extremely ace', as opposed to being 'extremely mediocre', but being 'extremely mediocre' does nothing for my argument).

Madonna - The Official Review:

The First Album doesn't even get a look in - the cover is quite possibly the most revolting thing Madonna has ever done, including Vanilla Ice.

Once upon a time, Madonna was my favourite Madonna album. Clearly, I was deluded, because it's not actually that good, especially not compared to some of the albums she's put out since, and calling a collection of eight songs an album is pushing it a bit, even if some of the tracks do go on for three minutes longer than they should do.

It does include the supremely ace 'I Know It', though, with its ~~fucking awful~~ jaunty and unusual harmonies, and my favourite song from Madonna's eighties output, 'Borderline'. My copy was severely damaged in the great CD player explosion of 1999, so I've not heard 'Physical Attraction' in five years, but I don't think I'm missing out on an awful lot.

Opening the album with the intro to 'Lucky Star' was a good move, and I'd like to learn how to shine my heavenily body tonight, because it sounds like it might come in handy on rainy days.

Still, it's not a patch on Like A Virgin.

Let the controversy continue...

Madonna's Albums Chronologically Reviewed Part One: 'Madonna'/'The First Album'

2004-07-11T15:15:00.000+10:00

Depending on which cover you have.

I have both of course...I prefer the 'First Album' cover, but I also had to get the proper one. They have the same tracklisting.

This album does have the honor of containing the official Best Madonna Song ever - Burning Up - and Lucky Star & Borderline are also right up there as well. On the other hand, it also has the supremely dodgy Everybody, and Holiday is pretty annoying as well. Also, 8 songs is extremely short.
Official Dog Rating:

Double The Wrong Opinion

2004-07-11T11:17:00.000+10:00

Controversy already! MATM is the worst thing Madonna has ever been involved with.

Top Five Songs feat. Madonna:

2004-07-11T05:40:00.000+10:00

1. Britney feat. Madonna, 'Me Against The Music' - a match made in Love Pavilion heaven, it was bound to happen sooner or later. And, when it did, it was fucking excellent, and far better than it ever deserved to be. Which makes it a crying shame that everybody said it was shit, because it was her again, and she'd brought her along for the ride. Idiots. The video is a masterpiece, too...

2. Jose and Luis feat. Madonna, 'Queen's English' - I'm beginning to think that I've imagined this song, because a quick Google search produces frankly quite pitiful results. Anybody who has it on MP3 would do good to send it to Kate Bush's GMail account. It may well be the most dreadful peice of music in existance - produced by Junior Vasquez, 'Queen's English' sees Jose Guitierez and Luis Camacho, dancers on Madonna's Blonde Ambition tour and stars of the documentary In Bed With Madonna, peddle a set of quite frankly dreadful white rap couplets, with Madonna showing up on to provide backing vocals on the chorus. Bizarre. Hysterical. Brilliant.

3. Waren Beatty feat. Madonna, 'Now I'm Following You' - technically, not a song by Waren Beatty featuring Madonna. In fact, not a song by Warren Beatty featuring Madonna at all! This quite frankly bizarre duet turns up towards the end of the Dick Tracey soundtrack, and comes in two different versions - a swing band version, and a souped-up, very early-nineties dance remix labelled 'Now I'm Following You Part Two' featuring such untimely clips as 'Dick - that's an interesting name' and 'My bottom hurts just thinkin' about it!' lifted directly from the film. Equal parts dreadful and brilliant, making it a mite better than...

4. Rupert Everett feat. Madonna, 'American Pie' - Rupert Everett is really, really ~~hot~~ talented. Madonna has a history of dreadful backing vocals (see example: Babyface's incessant wailing accompaniment to 'Take A Bow'), and Rupert Everett isn't exactly the world's greatest singer, but the fact that he was the genius behind this, Madonna's best cover version, and he's really, really ~~hot~~ talented, gains him the Michael off The Love Pavilion's seal of approval.

5. Ricky Martin feat. Madonna, 'Be Careful (Cuidado Con Mi Corazon)' - you know, Madonna hasn't done all that many duets...

Did you know...?

That when you search 'Ricky Martin' on Amazon so that you check whether you'd spelt the title of his duet with Madonna correctly (you hadn't) you get offered lots of The Office DVDs?

Mel C & Madonna

2004-07-10T22:44:00.000+10:00

What better way to start of a mania, than with Mel C? You know we are big fans of Melanie, if only for her great music and good looks.

Mel C is a great fan of Madonna, going so far as to emulate her look during her most ugliest period.

But do you know what Madonna song Mel C claims is her favourite? Bad Girl.

Now, I am a big fan of that song too, but after I heard Mel C liked it, it took me a year before I could listen to it again. However, we hate Mel C less these days, so it's back on the stereo.

THE WAIT IS OVER

2004-07-10T16:00:00.000+10:00

Extreme Madonna Appreciation Mania has begun.

AH...:

2004-07-07T18:43:00.000+10:00

Neighbours is back, the McFly album is out, and everything is right with the world (technically, it's not, because Angel WOMP hath descended upon us, and I still don't get the joke, but we'll ignore that for the time being).

Top Five Songs Off The McFly Album In Descending Order Of Aceness:

1. That Girl
2. Room On The 3rd Floor
3. Obviously
4. Down By The Lake
5. Saturday Night

You can expect a full review later this week, you lucky, lucky critters...

Stu Has Resigned

2004-07-06T17:43:00.000+10:00

I got this email from Stu:

I didn't realise Stu was so resentful of WOMP. It's lucky he's already dead, or a double Decker bus could be coming his way.

But, come on Stu! We don't want you to quit! We're sorry we never gave you an account! And we're sorry WOMP has taken over your job...How can we make it up to you? Please come back, we can work it out...

Double The Continuing Mission

2004-07-06T11:41:00.001+10:00

Yes, I've finally arrived down on earth - great to be back! What memories...the great jokes, the doubling. And of course, the great music of Pete Murray. Which is why I'm back! I've just arrived at his place...

WOMP: (Soothing heavenly voice) Hello Pete...

Pete: (Startled) ...What! Who are you?

(Bright rays of light appear behind WOMP)

WOMP: Yes Pete, I am.....AN ANGEL!

Pete: That's impossible!

WOMP: It's twice as possible as you may think, Pete. Cameron has sent me to help you. Cameron loves you, as he loves us all.

Pete: Then why is he doing this to me? Why is my single at number 56 in the charts? Why has my only fan deserted me? Why is Michael telling people not to buy my single?

WOMP: He is just testing you Pete.

Stu: It's a tough road we all have to travel down...

WOMP: Butt out Stu! Pete, it's a tough...flight...we all have to take through life. But, if you open your heart, and spread your wings...you will fly!

Pete: But...how can I get my career back on track?

WOMP: ~~Release better songs and make better music~~. Just open your heart Pete. Open.Your.Heart. Let Cameron in.

Pete: Wow, WOMP. You have saved my life.

WOMP: I know. And now I must return to Heaven, to await my next mission. Farewell.

Double The Angel

2004-07-05T18:45:00.000+10:00

Forget Stu's car bullshit! The only real thing that is going to help you out in life is Angelic assistance - and that is what I am here to provide!

'And through it alllllll,
he offers us protection...
A little love and affection,
Whether we're right or wrong...'

I've spent the past fortnight in Heaven pretty much just chilling out...listening to Oasis, watching Sliders and hanging out with the Care Bears. But, Cameron has sent me out on my first mission - To save Pete Murray!

A number 56 debut in the charts -- that's the kind of thing that only an Angel named WOMP can fix! Very soon, I'll be floating down from the sky, and paying earth, and Pete, a visit...

Double The Great View From Heaven

2004-07-04T16:08:00.000+10:00

Hello! - WOMP'S back!! It's unfortunate that I was killed 3 days into Wimbledon ~~BY DELTA GOODREM~~, but, luckily, there's access to Blogger in Heaven. It took me a little while to get back online though, because I was too busy listening to Oasis 24 hours a day.

Congratulations to Maria! She's double the champion!

Anyway, now that I have ascended to Heaven, I am an angel. Angel WOMP. I still like to double things, I still like to tell great jokes, but now, I also like to help people.

Who knows where Double the Angelic Help Of WOMP is going to take us...

SAY IT ISN'T SO...:

2004-07-04T04:02:00.000+10:00

Rumour has it that our patron saint is abandoning pop for good in favour of a career in the theatre.

According to Cat Deeley he's off to join the cast of Jason Donovan and The Technicoloured Dreamcoat.

Which is a shame, really, because, however much we've ripped the piss out of him in the past, Gareth is a good little popstar who's fallen victim to being given shit songs.

He's attractive (sort of). He can sing (a bit). He's funny (in some ways). He's managed by Simon Fuller (for now).

But he's never had a chance to establish a strong enough fanbase outside of the *GaRuFfLuVaZ4EvA!!1* community because he's never been given the chance to develop, merely pushing out single after rotten single without any kind of consistency.

Rest in peace, Saint Gareth off Pop Idol - you will be missed.

GOOGLEWATCH:

Searching Gareth Gates on Google images pulls up this picture of Gareth without any togs on.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO AVOID RECORD SHOPPING THIS WEEK...:

2004-07-03T03:31:00.000+10:00

'So Beautiful' was released here on Monday.

IN RELATED NEWS:

It's nice to see that Pete is branching out into other mediums, now that his only fan his turned against him.

RAGE

2004-07-02T17:18:00.000+10:00

SONIC YOUTH guest program. You know when a band that are a permanent fixture on other people's playlists programs, that it's going to be bad. And, it is quite bad. Even though I love their first pick, Rapture - BLONDIE, that song is played every.single.week. Gees.

And, tonight:

Bittersweet Bundle Of Misery - GRAHAM COXON
Love Is Only A Feeling - THE DARKNESS
Don't Look The Other Way - PLEASURE featuring JUSTINE FRISCHMANN

That is just getting laughable now.

Pop Laws With Stu

2004-07-02T11:11:00.000+10:00

Stu's back!! To solve all the world's pop problems - The legal way!

Crystal: G'day Stu
Stu: Hello there.
Crystal: Stu...there's a rather big problem for you to solve today...
Stu: Tell me what it is, and I'll be right on the case!
Crystal: Well, it's about Pete Murray...You see, his new single 'Bail Me Out' entered at only number 56 this week

Stu: Hmm, yes...I think I see where the problem is. It's with the title. Should probably have been called 'Lock Me Up'.
Crystal: But Stu...isn't it good that suspects can be bailed out...you know, in case they're innocent, or, if their crime isn't really that bad?
Stu: ALL CRIME IS BAD.
Crystal: Sorry. Ok, then what if a suspect is innocent then? Surely they should be able to be 'bailed out'?
Stu: And what if they're guilty? They shouldn't be free out in society. BEHIND BARS is where most, if not all people belong.
Crystal: Ok. So...what should Pete do, to get his career back on track?
Stu: He should withdraw all copies of 'Bail Me Out' and release the song 'My Time'. Because that's what he will be doing.
Crystal: Time?
Stu: Yes.
Crystal: Thank you Stu. Some more great advice.

GUESS WHO'S BACK...?:

2004-07-02T06:23:00.000+10:00

For good. Hopefully.

Contrary to being banned from posting ever again and flouncing off in a strop, I've not posted anything on The Love Pavilion for such a long time because I've not really had anything to post.

I think I've lost my pop. Again. Losing my pop is always a tragic event, but it's been made all the more difficult by the fact that I've not even had Neighbours to bleat on about because of WOMPM and his fucking stupid tennis playing chums.

However, you can help me get my pop back by sending me ~~pictures of naked men~~ MP3s to my new Gmail account (don't even ask about my GMail address, I very much regret registering it, but I can't get the invites to work so as to get myself a new account).

Although you'd be best off not sending me 'The Show'. I've decided that it's rubbish, and that if Girls Aloud don't wheel out the surf guitar soon I'm going to have to sever all ties. And, after today's appearance on Big Brother's Little Brother, and the fact that Nicola conducted her own private conversations with each band member whilst they were being interviewed instead of answering The Delightful Mr. O'Leary's questions, I really wouldn't want to have to do that. But, desperate times...

My defences systematically failed to withstand

2004-07-01T23:32:00.000+10:00

"Where's HiT review?", no-one asks. It's really not worth reviewing, as it was a bit ordinary this week (Though, there was the heading 'Crystal Clear' on one story). It did contain some good news about everyone's favourite band The Darkness though.

Looks like The Darkness are finally enjoying a second wind in Australia. TV and radio play for their power ballad, Love Is Only A Feeling is kicking in album sales: Permission to land jumps from No.46 to No.31. Bizarrely, global hit I Believe In A Thing Called Love peaked at only No.40.

It's all thanks to me, Cam. And, Rage...actually. Rage doing some good: Who knew?

And it's that special time of day again when we announce something as Song Of The Year.

This time, it is Love Is Only A Feeling.

This certainly isn't out of left field. I FIRST called it 'Greatest Song Of All Time' here. And, it's back to reclaim it's rightful place. I am chuffed that it might actually be big hit.

It's also time to pronounce Justin Hawkins as Most Bonza Person Ever. ~~After Cameron Adams, Sky Mangel, Me, Liam Gallagher, Noel Gallagher, Courtney Love...~~ EVER.

We've held back on handing out this title, but...the evidence has been mounting, and we can no longer ignore it:

- The Neighbours mug
- Choosing the only genuinely great Rage Playlist ever
- 'My heart's in overdrive, and you're behind the steering wheel' - CLASSIC Life Mechanics
- Releasing song of the year, and filming the clip in the world's most bonza country
- Being CA approved
- Appreciating pop music
- His Top Ten 'British' albums (You'll have to scroll down)
- 'Guitar!'

And I could go on. But I won't, so just accept it as FACT.

It's The Sleepover Club All Over Again

2004-06-30T10:13:00.000+10:00

Just when we thought we were low on inspiration, something has come along to get us stirred up again.

I ask you this question - What would happen if the members of the Sleepover Club aged a couple of years, and got their own music/entertainment show?

The answer is, you would get Girl TV.

I've only been unfortunate enough to catch this twice. I think it's on at 4pm on Seven...and it can't have been on air for more than a couple of weeks.

Anyway, the first time I watched it in horror, at how fucking awful it was. And so offensive...mostly to your intelligence. And what the hell is going on with the title 'Girl TV'? Are Seven allowed to do that? But of course, it's not boys who it's offensive to, it's girls. It's pretty much just about awesome things, like shopping and clothes, and how awesome it is to be a girl, and being awesome. Also, those hosts are cheery robots. I mean this genuinely when I say the Sleepover Club girls have more personality.

But then, the second time, I watched and - they were doing this fake, over-the-top Pop film clip, pretending to be a girl group. I thought, ha! That is pretty funny. They actually have a sense of humour. Well done! I will probably watch that again.

BUT...

Check out this that I found on the official site:

'The show is hosted by Simone, Juliette, Casey and Chrissie four teenage girls, just like you, who also happen to be a singing group.'

THAT WAS FOR REAL. That stupid, parody of a song, and film clip, is like, their ACTUAL music. That they are releasing. I would never, ever, ever, have guessed that was not a joke.

And, of course, all the kids watching the show are gonna buy it, aren't they. I hate them more than ever. This is THIS year's very worst show ever, and this time we can't even blame Claire.

What's Going On?

2004-06-29T23:16:00.000+10:00

Not the usual 3 thousand posts a day lately. WOMP's been killed in an unfortunate accident...Damon quit after we started worshipping not only Liam and Noel, but also Graham and Justine...Neighbours has been boring...we ALL needed a break from Life Mechanics...I may or may not have banned Michael from posting and forgotten about it.

I don't quite know when it's going to get back to normal, but in the meantime, why not enjoy a great animation:

Where's WOMP?

2004-06-28T22:50:00.000+10:00

Um...I think WOMP died on the way back to his home planet.

Maybe he'll back one day, from beyond the grave or something.

TIM Vs MARKY MARK today though. National pride at stake...

The Oasis Life - Day 2

2004-06-27T12:31:00.000+10:00

Why do all Oasis songs sound the same?

'And, all the roads we have to walk...maybe I just wanna flyyyyyy...sunshine! Rock and roll!...waaaaaaaaahhhhh....all of the starrrrs'

Things Oasis seem to constantly sing about:

- Sunshine
- Birds
- Roads
- Rock 'n' roll
- Stars
- The Sky
- Stars in the sky
- Staying young/getting old/living forever.

Sigh. ~~Today I've been listening to The Darkness a lot~~. I'm still going strong though.

The Oasis Life - Day One

2004-06-26T23:03:00.000+10:00

Well...I think I did pretty well, myself. But you can judge.

All day yesterday - nothing but Oasis. Probably the hardest bit was Rage. I turned it off, rather than watch it with the volume down, and be tempted. Though I admit I caught about 30 seconds of Jet's Cold Hard Bitch.

This morning was quite hard with Video Hits. I only saw a few seconds of a rap song, and that was only because instead of changing the channel, I accidentally turned it up. But then it was straight back to Oasis.

All day. Nothing but Oasis. I thought you could never get too much of a good thing. But I was wrong. It wasn't that I was sick of Oasis, it was that I was sick of nothing but them. And, I think Liam Gallagher is the greatest singer ever, but 30 straight hours...he does start to sound a bit whiney.

'Hey you, wearing the croooaaawn
Making no souooowwwnnn
I heard you feel downnnnnnnn
Well that's too baaaaaaaaaad
Welcome to myyyyyyyyy world'

Those first two words are 'crown' and 'sound', though you'd never guess it. Pronounce some damn words right! It's enough to make you long for the flat vocal delivery of Noel.

Top 5 Noel Songs:

1. The Masterplan
2. Don't Look Back In Anger
3. Going Nowhere
4. Little By Little
5. Talk Tonight

So, anyway. I was still being good. Even when I watched WOMP'S favourite movie S Club - Seeing Double, I fast-forwarded the songs.

But then. I had to play the Best Of S Club CD. It's allowed! I don't know how, but it is. And that's ALL.

Except for when I played my Snow Patrol album.

I'll do better tomorrow, I promise.

Why Has Sky Got Christina Aguilera's Old Hair On Her Head?

2004-06-25T19:06:00.000+10:00

I have mixed feelings about this. It looks better than her original blonde did, but it has really moved her away from classic Sky. She truly is dead to us now.

THE OASIS LIFE

2004-06-25T15:39:00.000+10:00

The Simple Life, The McDonalds Life, The Indie Life, The Ausculture Life...subjecting yourself to extreme conditions as an experiment for other people's entertainment sure is a bonza thing to do. And now, as part of a larger experiment, it is time for me to undergo The Oasis Life.

For one week, I will listen to NOTHING but Oasis. This sounds like excellent fun in theory, but no other music at all...that means no Blur, no Snow Patrol, no Spice Girls...for seven full days...that could get tough. I will also being doing Oasis-approved activities, and living as much like Oasis as I can. What affect will this have on my health? Probably mostly positive, I would imagine.

Ok, so I am right now going to go hide all my other CDs, and fill my stereo and mp3 playlists with nothing but Oasis songs and albums. It's going to be heaps fun...

RAGE

2004-06-25T15:26:00.000+10:00

In the seat this week, Andre 3000.

And look:

11:26pm
.
.
Planet Rock - AFRIKA BAMBAATAA & THE SOUL SONIC FORCE Independent

I TOTALLY guessed we would be seeing our old friend Afrika Bambaataa make an appearance. No Rock Steady Crew though, unfortunately.

And, tonight's playlist:

Bittersweet Bundle Of Misery - GRAHAM COXON
Don't Look The Other Way - PLEASURE featuring JUSTINE FRISCHMANN

Ah, good ole predictable Rage, never messing with those winning formulas. That's why we love/hate ya.

DANE, YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND:

2004-06-24T17:57:00.000+10:00

Have a look at this, and then use the cocktail sticks provided to poke out your own eyes.

That is all.

(WARNING: I've had three e-mails and a text message today telling me off for posting pictures of Dane Bowers - allegedly, according to a source, they're probably fake, I'm a student, it's really not worth suing me, and Adam sent them anyway, he is rich, sue him - so I thought I'd best warn you all what you are in for if you do click the link. You know you want to, though...Pervert).

Day 3

2004-06-24T17:53:00.000+10:00

Rained.

FAMILIAR XCHANGE:

2004-06-24T08:56:00.000+10:00

I probably should have posted this at the beginning of the week, but at the beginning of the week it had potential of being really quite phenomenally shit.

If there's anybody in Britain with access to a television, they must see Family Xchange on BBC One at ten o'clock in the morning tomorrow and Friday. It is, quite possibly, the best House/Wife/Clothes Swap-style programme ever to be produced, and it's a crying shame that the BBC hasn't cottoned on and made it a fixture (because it would certainly be a welcome fixture, amidst the tennis from morning 'til obsene hours in the night).

The last series saw The Scruffy Family win out over The Posh Family, who's house was a bit rank and who were all a bit ~~fat~~ snobby, and it looks to be going the same way with this series (if you discount the fact that The Streetwise Family have very nearly split up, whilst The Snobby Country Family have been careering around being mildly racist and deeply offensive).

Friday's 'Conflict' show is sure to be a corker.

A RECIPE FOR EVERYONE:

2004-06-23T18:55:00.000+10:00

1. For the first verse, all you’ll need to do is slosh together a few words that rhyme, on a similar jaunty theme. It doesn’t even matter if they’re rubbish, and don’t make any sense, as long as they’re hilarious.
2. For the chorus, you can have them sing whatever you want, even if it doesn’t make any sense, but it is vital that they sing in jaunty harmonies, and the title must come after a great big electric guitar chord at the end.
3. Repeat steps 1 and 2 again.
4. Here you’ll need a jaunty instrumental, with lots of percussion, so the boys can spin around, mash at their guitars, and strike comedy poses into the nearest television camera.
5. Repeat the chorus, with extra jaunty harmonies, to taste.
6. Seasoning: sing the title over and over again. It’s alright, nobody will notice.

Seriously, ‘Thunderbirds Are Go’ - most cliched Busted song ever?

Day 2

2004-06-23T11:57:00.000+10:00

What a bonza of a day at the tennis! Today it was all about the great Tim 'Aussie' Henman!

Story Here

Henman Laughs in Face of Danger

~~local~~ Aussie hero Tim Henman was in jaunty mood after his match on Court No.1.

He was having a laugh! He was in a jaunty mood! Well done Tim, that's the Aussie spirit!

Pleasingly, Tim also won in the department that counts - the double faults. Tim served a top effort of 10, whereas his opponent, Ruben Ramirez Hidalgo of Australia, only managed 3.

Exciting day, for sure, but...I am missing my love Tina T. It's not too late for you to fly over and for us to enter the mixed doubles Tina! Come on! Let's show them what this Love Match is made of!

When I first heard that Stu was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs

2004-06-22T22:32:00.000+10:00

But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.

HOW GOOD was Stu's first day on the beat?! First of all, there were comedy hi-jinks ('I thought she was breaking and entering!', 'It was HER house, Stu') and then there was a high speed car chase, and Stu tackling a bad guy down to the ground! Stuart! Who knew?

I know it sounds like I'm being sarcastic, but it was quality drama tonight. This is definitely the best storyline Stu has been in, and we are very happy for him.

Aussie Single Reviews

2004-06-22T16:04:00.000+10:00

Let's have a look what's out this week in the world's most bonza country, shall we?

Britney Spears - Everytime

Finally, a single from 'In The Zone' I can get on board with. This is my favourite, because it's a ballad, and Britney wrote it ALL BY HERSELF, and you know it comes from her heart.
It's her very own: Live Forever

Pete Murray - Bail Me Out

Ah, my old mate Pete. If you remember way back, I got all excited when this was announced as next single, because it's the second best song on the album. It really is very good...and, you know what, I'm beginning to like the guy again.
It's his very own: Some Might Say

Kayne Taylor - Heartbreaker

The funky guitar playing postman has finally released his debut single...like, a month after the show ended. That was a great idea...probably building the suspense. I infact haven't actually heard it, but I'm going to go out on a limb and guess it's not very good.
It's his very own: The Hindu Times

Spiderbait - Fucken Awesome

The song title that is a giant lie. This song is shit, and also lame.
It's their very own: Little James

Black Eyed Peas - Let's Get It Started/Let's Get Retarded

You know I hate the BEPs, but way back in the days of Where Is The Love, I heard the album, and I loved this song. It's still bonza, but the Black Eye Peas are retarded, not only for changing the name, but just for being them.
It's their very own: D'you Know What I Mean

And I give my attempt at single reviewing a 'Songbird'.

Day 1

2004-06-22T13:35:00.000+10:00

What a great first day's play! Defending champ Roger Federer played a top match - another great victory for the Aussies! Also flying the Aussie flag proudly were Thomas Johansson, Lleyton Hewitt and Venus Williams! Well done guys! Go Aussie Go!

Unfortunately, there was double the rain delays. Look at the lovely British weather we had today:

It cleared eventually though, and at one stage even got as warm as 5 degrees! I had to get out the sunscreen!

During one of the rain delays, I went to the restaurant, to get some Wimbledon Strawberries with double cream, and on the way back I saw Delta! I threw the strawberries straight in her face, and then went and hid in the toilets. If she had come in I would have pretended to be dead, and then I would have pelted her with bananas when she least expected it, but she didn't. And I haven't seen her since. She must still be round here somewhere though, cursing all our Aussie players. I won't stop till I have destroyed her.

I am going to go finish my 'Go Aussie Tim!' sign for tomorrow, and then I am off to bed for a sleep. Shall write all about my adventures again tomorrow! Bye!

DEATH TO INDIE:

2004-06-21T19:00:00.000+10:00

The b-side to Morrissey's 'First Of The Gang To Die' is a song called 'My Life Is An Endless Procession Of People Saying Goodbye'.

And this, dear readers, is why Morrissey, the patron saint of indie, is such a monumental twat, and why all indie music should be burnt to scrap.

IN RELATED NEWS:

Searching for 'Morrissey turkey' on Google Images turns up a picture of some meat, and a link to LettuceLadies.com.

We'd Better Re-Arrange The Top Ten...

2004-06-21T18:27:00.000+10:00

Because we've got a new number one single of the year already!

Yes, it's true!

And even Sanity are calling it their very own Wonderwall. Are you working for Sanity in your spare time Cam? Who knew! Respect!

SINGLES CLUB:

2004-06-21T07:12:00.000+10:00

- Jamelia, 'See It In A Boys Eyes' - Jamelia is one of those successful popstars I will never, ever understand. Her music is pat, her look is nasty and she doesn't seem like a very good popstar. And she's written a song with Chris 'Apple Gowk' Martin, which should be the worst peice of music ever commited to vinyl. But it's actually quite good. And she dresses like a man in the video, which always helps.
- Shaznay Lewis, 'Never Felt Like This Before' - you'd think that after taking so long between the demise of the All Saints and kick-starting her solo career she'd have been able to come back with something that didn't sound so much like a bad Mel B ballad. Apparently not.
- N*E*R*D, 'Maybe' - it's their very own ~~'Wonderwall'~~ 'Live Forever'! I can't be the only one picking up a jaunty Oasis vibe from this one...
- McFly, 'Obviously' - obviously, there are only so many times you can start a post on McFly's new single with the word 'obviously', but you should go and buy this when it's released tomorrow, because it's very good.

Pre-Emptive Indie Strikes

2004-06-20T13:29:00.000+10:00

Forget the Indie Life, it's the Indie Wars at the moment. We are battling it out to see who has the most indie cred. The winner is the one with the least. If that makes sense. So, before my entire archives get dragged out as evidence against me, I will make a few points against myself, before I prove my Pop credentials.

- I enjoyed the music of indie singer/songwriter Pete Murray, before his album went to number one and I started hating him.
How Indie is that:

- I enjoy the solo work of a particular guitarist who left a particular band
How Indie is that

- These days, if it's not played on Rage or The Js, I don't listen to it
How Indie Is That

- I am buying a Radiohead album in a minute
How Indie is that

- I'm currently listening to Oasis
How Indie is that:

- I hate every single song in the current Top 50, except two
How Indie is that: That's not indie at all, that's just good sense.

- Sometimes I wear band t-shirts
How Indie is that:

- I really do like Jet
How Indie is that:

But, that is all NOTHING at all, compared to my pure pop cred. It's it's also nothing at all compared to Claire's worm knowledge, which we will discuss later.

That Phrase Cameron Adams Is Never Going To Use Again

2004-06-20T11:07:00.000+10:00

Yesterday, The Video Show That's Not Rage played Wonderwall. Which got us all thinking, is Wonderwall actually Oasis's very own Wonderwall?

At best, it's probably their 7th greatest song. Which probably makes their very own Wonderwall ~~Live Forever~~...~~Supersonic~~...~~The Masterplan~~...hmm...I like Don't Look Back In Anger today. So, Don't Look Back In Anger is Oasis's very own Wonderwall.

But we all know what CA means when he calls something 'their very own Wonderwall', don't we? He means it's their stand out track...their very greatest song...the one that is going to be a big smash.

OR DOES HE?

See, now that confuses me. He didn't even really love the song, and it's still their very own Wonderwall. Three options here:

- He's used the phrase so much it's lost all meaning
- He is being a bit patronising of Jet, saying that this is the best they're ever going to come up with
- CA doesn't actually use it to describe a band's best song, but has been using is to describe a band's seventh best song all along.

But really, none of those fully make sense. There's really no rhyme or reason to what song can be called a very own Wonderwall. And we don't question CA's methods, so we always fear them. A bit like Daniel John's career masterplan, this will probably not become clear for another ten years.

Double The News...

2004-06-19T13:26:00.000+10:00

Hello! Just touched down here in England after a great flight, and I'm ready and excited for a great fortnight of tennis action! Is it supposed to be summer here? It was twice as hot back home in Oz, and we're in the middle of winter! Lucky I packed some extra-thick orange jumpsuits for these chilly summer days!

Just checking out the draw for this year...Every single player is Australian! Except Mark Philippoussis - he's American.

I've got plenty of cartons of flavoured milk packed...chocolate, strawberry, ice coffee...just trying to decide which one to smash in Delta Goodrem's face first. I tell ya what, I'll be tracking her down later and sorting her out.

Can't wait till Monday - first day of play! Defending champion Roger Federer of Australia is playing Aussie wild Alex Bogdanoviccard. But that's only in the Singles, which no one cares about. What is important is the doubles! I think the pair to watch out for are:

Alex Lopez Moron AUS
David Skoch AUS

Can't wait to get out on court 36 to see them play!

And of course, my all time favourite event, the Mixed Doubles:

That's what Wimbledon is all about for me.

Gotta get some sleep now, but tomorrow I begin Delta Hunt, and check out the merchandise shop!

See ya next time for more of WOPM'S Wimbledon Diaries - the place where we were prefer a double fault to an ace!

Something I Forgot To Talk About

2004-06-19T10:56:00.000+10:00

I keep forgetting to say that on Monday, Neighbours started having episode titles. Some so far have been:

'Sins Of The Fathers'
'Spilling Secrets'
'One Irreverent Kiss'

Horrid, aren't they? You can also sense a slight change in tone this week...it's gone a lot more soap-esque. Really strange music soundtracking scenes (what happened to One Good Reason?), affairs with Priests, scandals, high drama.

Oh yeah, and Darren Stark's back! I can't believe how glad I was to see him. He's been really bonza so far too.

And remember Death Mechanics? And how Neighbours were implying Jack died? Well, he got out of the car without a scratch and walked home. Then the next day, the ads implied he was going to die again, from an overdose or something. And - nothing happened. At all.

So I'm not really trusting the ads running now asking if Stu's first day on the job will also be his last. Unless he quits, which he does a lot.

Double The Celeb Guest Bloggers

2004-06-19T00:51:00.000+10:00

Best moment in Australian TV history tonight...

WOMP...and Tina T...together.

It's official - We are running the world.

(Meanwhile, WOMP's Wimbledon Diaries start tomorrow...romances with Tina T, hunting down Delta Goodrem to throw milk at her...and lot's about the Doubles matches...)

Farewell WOMP!

2004-06-18T17:46:00.000+10:00

We've sent WOMP off overseas as our special Wimbeldon correspondent.

He'll be reporting on the Mens and Ladies Doubles.

RAGE

2004-06-18T13:05:00.000+10:00

Something we never do on a Friday afternoon is complain about the Rage playlist, so I thought we give it a go.

This week Rage are having one of their retarded 'Theme' weeks. This time it's:

'Multi-coloured rage Special (songs with colours in their titles)'

Why didn't they just called it Songs With Colours In Their Title (because that would have made more sense).

As usual, they are stretching to fill the 6 hours:

Pretty Fly (For A White Guy) - THE OFFSPRING ? Yeah, just.

And then there's these:

Lemon - U2
Strawberry Fields - THE BEATLES
Cherry Blossom Girl - AIR
Raspberry Beret - PRINCE

I see what they're going for there, but it's not 'Fruit' week, either.

And these ones I'm not even buying:

Deeper Shade Of Soul - URBAN DANCE SQUAD
Monochrome - AMMONIA
Magical Colors - JON SPENCER BLUES EXPLOSION
Colors - ICE-T
True Colors - CYNDI LAUPER
True Colours - KASEY CHAMBERS

The last two are the same song, so it's cheating, and those 'Colour' ones don't actually HAVE a colour in the title. And 'Deeper Shade Of Soul'?? Not accepted Rage, when you don't even have Steps 'Deeper Shade Of Blue', which actually WOULD fit your stupid theme week.

It's not all horrible though. There are a few which fit the theme and are actually bonza songs:

Back In Black - AC/DC
Violet - HOLE
Blue Monday - NEW ORDER
Black Cat - JANET JACKSON

4 out of...80, is...a pretty good percentage.

Well done Rage! Another great week!

(Though to be fair, Graham and The Darkness are on tonight, which is sticking to a winning formula)

Double The Love Pavilion!

2004-06-18T11:24:00.000+10:00

You better head swiftly on over to Ausculture.com who for one day only have doubled this site! It's twice as good!

WOMP POWER!

Double The Australians

2004-06-17T23:33:00.000+10:00

My work is done.

It's a 100% chance of an Aussie victory this year!

You might even say it will be twice as good as usual!

WOMP POWER!

Top 10 Cameron Adams Sayings

2004-06-17T21:45:00.000+10:00

Today's edition of HiT, which used the phrase 'has a secret weapon' TWICE, reminded me that that is right up there with 'Who knew?', 'Respect' and 'Very own Wonderwall'.

TOP 10 CA SAYINGS:

1. Who knew?
2. Respect.
3. Very own Wonderwall
4. Has a secret weapon
5. Seriously cool
7. What is wrong with people/this county/australia/radio
8. Late/early contender for single of the year
9. (Whisper it)
10. Bonza

Ok, that last one has only been used twice, but still. It counts.

Interestingly, from CA's very first review of So Beautiful:

'Murray has a secret weapon: it is called So Beautiful and it is his very own Wonderwall'.

Hahahahaha.

Let's HiT It

2004-06-17T15:07:00.000+10:00

What a great cover. Millsy...in a Clockwork Orange colour scheme...a great pun...some fantastic fonts. Cameron, ~~I've~~ you've really outdone ~~myself~~ yourself.

STOP! BEST REVIEW EVER TIME!

You ready? I can't quite believe it myself...

Pete Murray - Passing Time DVD
There's a shocking moment during the making-of-Feeler doco where Pete Murray, surrounded by naked dwarfs, douses a TV in vodka, sets it alight, and throws it through the recording studio window, frustrated by his lack of inspiration. No, that's a lie. The most exciting thing here is watching polite Pete play table tennis in the studio. Bless him, but he's not very rock and is occasionally (whisper it) a tad dull.
2 & 1/2

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh my...not only do I love the sarcasm and hilarity, but CAMERON has turned on PETE now? The 5 Star Wonder??? WHAT IS GOING ON! Polite Pete! Table tennis! Dull! 2 and a half stars! It's like all my Christmases have come at once!

But OK, what else is in the Bible this week...well, there is a double page article on Millsy that basically boils down to CA saying 'I love Millsy very much and would like to marry him.' I have never heard such praise for a reality show contestant ever.

There's also a good review for the Beastie Boys new album, and Merlin has got in the 'Hot' column. Pretty awesome week.

Death Mechanics - A Special Report

2004-06-17T10:57:00.000+10:00

You would think that with Stu, a licensed Life Mechanic and Policeman, living in the street, that Ramsay St residents would be experts on road safety. Well if you thought that, you'd be WRONG. It seems that hardly a week goes by without one of them taking the steering wheel of life and crashing head on into a tree of death.

Tonight, yet another character is taking a ride on the road to danger. Channel Ten are running ads saying 'Will Ramsay St lose it's favourite son?' That's misleading for two reasons, one being that no one likes Jack and cares if he dies, and the second being that we all know he doesn't. He will probably have a brief stay in Erinsborough hospital, where I think there's a slight possibility that his doctor will be Karl.

But, is Jack the very BEST death mechanic Erinsborough has ever seen? Let's have a look at the Top Five:

1. Stu. Yes, even STU was a death mechanic once!

Remember back in 2002, when Stu and Flick 2 took a road trip, and their camper van plunged right off a cliff of terror? Stu should have known better, but we'll still give him top spot.

2. Boyd. It was great when Boyd, in a fit of teen rebellion, stole Toadie's car of life, revved up the engine into overdrive, and smashed into a tree of peril.

3. Toadie. What better way to celebrate your wedding day then by getting into gear, and driving your new bride into the sea of death?

The answer is - none! Toadie tried to blame Erinsborough's top death mechanic for this one too, which just goes to show what a champ Stu is.

4. Anne. For the 1998 season finale, Anne put her foot down on the pedal of trouble, and trapped Joel under the wheels of pain.

5. Jack. We can only give Jack 5th spot, because he is in the passengers seat of death tonight, instead of the drivers seat. If only he'd taken the wheel, and driven himself off the highway of horror it would be different. But not only is that not good death mechanics, it's also bad life mechanics.

Anyway, best of luck tonight Jack! Can't wait for all the extreme drama!

YES, I'VE LOST MY MIND:

2004-06-17T08:22:00.000+10:00

And the official seventh best single of the year is...

Now, you might be thinking, 'Michael, have you seen her, she's a fucking monster, and she ditched Donna Air ages ago in favour of Indie Idol!' to which I'd reply, 'Yes, I know, and that's fucking shocking, because Donna Air is ace!'.

But then I'd ask you to forget the back-story, and actually listen to the song.

It's hilarious, but, at the same time, makes you want to dance. It's got a jaunty electric guitar vibe to it, and the verses sound a bit like NERD's 'Song With Her Off Mis-Teeq In The Video'. The drums are ace. It's being compared to Blondie, even though it sounds fuck all like Blondie. It's got heaps of doubling in it ('Eat your candy! Eat your candy!'), to keep WOMP happy. It's got the line 'God save the drag queen' in it, for no apparent reason. And - eight seconds in - it blatantly rips off Daphne and Celeste's 'Ooh Stick You', the eighth best debut single of all time.

But, best of all, the punk-in-inverted-commas kids think that it's alright to like, and that it's hardcore punk, because it's got the word 'punk' in the title, because the singer chews pink bubblegum and wears massive sunglasses, and because it's been on Indie Idol on MTV, and that makes it better than anything that was ever shipped out of Simon Fuller's port.

And it's a pop song. A little bit rough around the edges, in the way that 'Wannabe' was a little bit rough around the edges. But it's still a pop song.

And if Girls Aloud had released it, more than one person would have spunked their load all over it.

And there - as they say in some circles - we have it.

Double The Excitement

2004-06-16T23:15:00.000+10:00

Important WOMP Message: During the Olympics, we are having NOTHING but Olympics posts here.

Also, I am going to work tonight, doubling the Australians chances of winning Wimbledon. My methods will be revealed in the coming weeks, so don't fear them just because you don't understand them. It's a jigsaw...but it is my very own Wonderwall.

WOMP POWER!

A Clockwork Millsy

2004-06-16T12:42:00.000+10:00

How do you make a Clockwork Millsy? Well:

Now calm down. I know Maroon 5 + Matchbox 20 + Silverchair + Ronan Keating SOUNDS like a recipe for disaster, but in fact, it isn't.

On first listen I thought this album was just a Maroon 5/Matchbox 20 tribute album. But, on 2nd and 3rd listen, I discover a whole range of artists Millsy has ripped off. But it's not a bad thing. In fact, Millsy has done what we always believed he would do - made a bonza album.

1. Ms Vanity
This actually sounds better within the context of the album. It certainly grows on you over time, but it was still a bad choice for lead single.
How much better than Beethoven: 20%

2. That's All You Are
Best song on the album. It's totally hardcore punk. Well, as hardcore punk as Millsy is ever going to be. It's got a slight Matchbox 20 vibe, and dare I say it...it's a bit Nirvana-esque? At the end at least, when it goes all rock. Anyway, this better be a single, I reckon it would be huge.
How much better than Beethoven: 100%

3. Overrated
Silverchair. That's all there is to say. Millsy imitates Daniel Johns voice, and the song sounds exactly like something from their last album. Nothing wrong with that either.
How much better than Beethoven: 80%

4. I Confess
Isn't it a bit early for Maroon 5 to have been a huge influence on an artist? And, also, a bit lame? This may as well just have been a Maroon 5 song, there's no difference. Oh, there are a lot of Paris references in this though, which will bump up the rating.
How much better than Beethoven: 50%

5. Goodbye
Remember Bob The Bachelor? How he released that bonza song 'Girlfriend'? Well, that's what this sounds like. It's good to see that Bob is still relevant to today's young artists.
How much better than Beethoven: 70%

6. Dirty Girl
When this was on the Australian Idol album, it was a pop song. Now it's been given some sort of Maroon 5/Heavy metal remix. (Yes, I know Maroon 5 aren't heavy metal...but you'll understand it you hear it). Anyway, it's a shame it was remixed, because it was a good little pop song, and now it sounds a bit weird.
How much better than Beethoven: 70%

7. Inviting
What's good about this is that it follows Dirty Girl, and the first verse contains the words 'Dirty Girl'.
Actually - Stop. That is NOT the best thing about this song. The best bit is that it sounds like Blur...like something from The Great Escape. AWESOME.
How much better than Beethoven: 90%

8. Can't Sleep
Ballad time. Another very Silverchair-esque song...again with the Daniel Johns vocals, and there's some nice strings going on. Most 'pop' song on the whole album too.
How much better than Beethoven: 80%

9. Every Single Day
I hate to say it, but this is a bit Ronan Keating. But Millsy always sings like him at the best of times (he sung many Ronan and Westlife songs on Idol) so I'm not surprised. Pretty average song though.
How much better than Beethoven: 30%

10. Right Here
I'm surprised this isn't a Matrix song, because it sounds like it. It's a bit like something from Liz Phair, or...Avril Lavigne. But that's good! Avril is awesome. Well done Rob.
How much better than Beethoven: 70%

11. Control
A few guitar riffs going on here, that's for sure. But, ok, this is definitely a shot at 'Idol', and the winners. Look at this line:

'It ain't my style, I'm calling the shots, and THAT'S what I'm talking about'

Ooooh, that is a burn on Shannon, for sure. Hilarious! The rest of the lyrics are all 'I'm not changing for you, I'm in control'. True, because he wrote this song, and most of the ones on the album, which is more than Shannon and Guy can claim. I'm still laughing about that Shannon line...
How much better than Beethoven: 80%

12.Bad Timing
Hmm...bit average...more Ronan tributing. Millsy sure can swing from hilarious to boring quite quickly.
How much better than Beethoven: 50%

13. Holding On
Being the last song on the album, I was sure we were in for a ballad. But, we're not. We are actually in for a nice jaunty guitar number. A bit Busted, actually. Good ending to a great album.
How much better than Beethoven: 65%

And now, the all important dog verdict:

Jigsaws, Keyholes, Pies...

2004-06-16T11:42:00.000+10:00

You know what, I'm not happy with that Top 10 Best Songs I did yesterday. I missed out heaps of great ones. I think what we need is a top 20 best songs of the year so far. (Now, some of top ten has changed around since yesterday, and a couple of these were released last year overseas, but in Oz this year. Right.)

TOP 20 BEST SONGS OF THE YEAR SO FAR:

1. Pleasure Ft. Justine - Don't Look The Other Way
2. Girls Aloud - The Show
3. Jessica Simpson - With You
4. Rachel Stevens - Some Girls
5. The Darkness - Love Is Only A Feeling
6. Courtney Love - Mono
7. Graham Coxon - Bittersweet Bundle Of Misery
8. Scissor Sisters - Take Your Mama Out
9. Regurgitator - Transformers Theme
10. Will Young - Leave Right Now
11. The Darkness - I Believe In A Thing Called Love
12. Jamelia - Superstar
13. Scissor Sisters - Comfortably Numb
14. Will Young - Your Game
15. Britney Spears - Toxic
16. Anastastia - Left Alone Outside
17. D-Side - Pushing Me Out
18. George Michael - Amazing
19. Pete Murray - So Beautiful
20. Britney Spears - Toxic

OK, now THAT was correct.

It's The End Of The Financial Year, And, Spirits Are In The Sky

2004-06-15T19:46:00.000+10:00

We're just about half way through the year, so it's time so assess what have been the best songs of the year up to this point.

Top 10 Songs Of The Year So Far

1. Pleasure Ft. Justine - Don't Look The Other Way

2. Girls Aloud - The Show

3. Jessica Simpson - With You

4. Rachel Stevens - Some Girls
.5

5. Courtney Love - Mono
.5

6. Shannon Noll - Drive

7. Graham Coxon - Bittersweet Bundle Of Misery

8. The Darkness - Love Is Only A Feeling

9. Will Young - Leave Right Now

10. Britney Spears - Toxic
.5

IT'S ARRIVED

2004-06-15T17:48:00.000+10:00

Full review tomorrow. But at this stage, there are three things worth noting:

- Some of the songs are co-written by Tim Watson. You may know him from the band Taxiride, OR, you may know him as the artist behind 'Lie' and 'One Good Reason' from the Coffee Shop jukebox

- There's a free poster

- Cameron Adams loves it.

And at this stage, it is sounding pretty damn good.

Double The Pete!

2004-06-15T11:24:00.000+10:00

Sigh....Top Five Reasons Pete Murray Is Still Bonza

2004-06-14T21:55:00.000+10:00

See? I lose a bet, and everyone suffers.

1. So Beautiful is a great song
2. Feeler is a great album
3. It gets played on Neighbours
4. He gives this site a lot of hits
5. He is CA approved.

(3 of those things are lies. LIES!)

HOT/NOT:

2004-06-14T21:12:00.001+10:00

We haven't done a Hot/Not for ages...

Keeping It Real:

Tez - The Pop's patron saint of Keeping It Real; Merlin - my new Big Brother fancy bit political idol; Rachel Stevens' new single; Pleasure with Justine off Elastica's single, 'Don't Look The Other Way' - evil colliding to produce one of the best songs of the year; Doubling things, apparently; Doubling things, apparently; This Morning's My Child Looks Like Chesney off Coronation Street competition - possibly the strangest peice of television ~~since H off Steps got regressed~~ ever; Dan off Big Brother - hot like hot wings with hot chocolate in hell, but, at the same time, cool like in my isolation cell in the winter-time while kissing Mr. Freeze; AnxietyCulture; Mania.

Keeping It Rank:

Fancying Jim Carrey (I'm all for being creative with my fanciables, but there's a line to be crossed); Queer Eye For The Straight Guy; Girls Alouds new video - it should be ace, but it's so shoddily-produced, and Kimberley's new hair is awful. The song's not that good, either; Loose Women - oh, go away, you sexist old hags; DiscoMania.

Note From Crystal: No, to be fair to Fly Boy Z, Jim Carrey is quite 'fanciable' in that film. No, really.

I WOMP IT THAT WAY*:

2004-06-13T23:31:00.000+10:00

For the four people who e-mailed me asking to have WOMP explained to them, I'm afraid I can't...

I don't get it either.

* - Sometimes I'm too much for myself, I really am.

Who Knew?

2004-06-13T23:27:00.000+10:00

If there's one thing we love more than cloning, it's a nice political statement.

And that missing letter? Totally old school.

Word up Merls!

HIT OR MISS - THE CHOICE IS YOURS...:

2004-06-13T23:05:00.000+10:00

I don a pair of zip-up boots/I go and shake my hair out loose...

Sounding like SClub after being electrocuted, and just about everything Richard X has ever produced (there's nothing wrong with consistency when it sounds this good), 'Some Girls' knocks 'The Show' out of the water, impales it onto the spike of a stiletto heel, where it dies a slow and painful death.

Except, not really. But it is very good. And, if you buy it, poor children will be able to play football because of you. Or something.

You made a promise to make me a star...

Rachel Stevens's track record hasn't been very impressive thus far, which is a shame, really - 'Sweet Dreams My LA Ex' was an incredibly well-produced pop song, 'Funky Dory' it's superior counterpart, but neither of them did nearly as well as they should have done when it came to charting. Because the British public are stupid.

Do the right thing, people.

You can download 'Some Girls' here. But it's illegal, and you'll probably get locked up for it, or fined heaps and heaps of money. So we shouldn't recommend it.

Double The Justine

2004-06-13T14:50:00.000+10:00

You know how we all love Justine now?

Well, she needs to be cloned!

And while I was at it, I DOUBLED how good her top was!

Infact, I DOUBLED it AGAIN by removing Mel C!

WOMP POWER!

Double Time!

2004-06-13T13:51:00.000+10:00

You know, sometimes I like to play golf while being held at gunpoint by a panda.

And at other times, I like to DOUBLE how good Rage is!

Yes...it's very true. Looking back through the archives at my favourite station, the ABC, I see that Rage isn't all as bad as we've always thought. This is because, over the years, I took ONE good playlist, and kept doubling it, till we got six. Have a look!:

3rd Feb 1996 Oasis, Blur, Pulp, Elastica Special
23rd Feb 1996 Oasis
27th Sep 1997 rage plays Blur, Radiohead, Oasis and The Verve
22nd Apr 2000 rage features BLUR, RADIOHEAD, PULP, SUEDE, TRAVIS, OASIS, SUPERGRASS, ASH
14th July 2001 UK Bands & Artists special featuring Blur, Travis, Coldplay, Radiohead, Pulp, Muse, Massive Attack,
6th July 2002 UK bands & artists featuring Muse, Coldplay, Radiohead, Blur, Oasis, Supergrass, Pulp, Gorillaz

In fact, those last two - I just flat out doubled them without changing a thing!

WOMP POWER!